Just life

I think it's funny that they only time I sit down to blog is when things are not going so well. It's been an emotional past couple of months and while I'm okay on the outside, I'm not doing well in the inside and I don't know how to make the heal.
I'm always pushing back tears. Everything from little to big makes me sad. I was hoping to keep myself busy this summer with some volunteer work but I think by the time the whole application processes get done, school will start again.
I really miss work...the staff and the kids, but not the craziness of it all. I think I miss the inability to think about yourself.
So, it's the summer and I get to think about myself. I guess this will be the way to heal in the inside. And here is where I start...a list of all the things that make me sad, annoyed, and angry at the world...not in any particular order..

I want to be a mom so badly. I look at all my friends pictures of their family and it makes me sad and angry.
Easter was one of the happiest times, that's when Chad and I found out we were pregnant. It was so hard to keep it from our family and friends, especially my sister's. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. My first appointment was a weird one, my doctor wasn't so sure I was pregnant but gave me all the paperwork and made appointments but had a strange tone in her voice. The weeks and appointments went along and while we were considered to be pregnant, no one really ever gave us a definite yes! On week, 7 we finally heard a heartbeat and then it was confirmed, we are pregnant. We got the definite yes! We had it all planned out. We would tell my family when we were in PA for our annual yard sale. Then we would tell Chad's family memorial day weekend. I got to share the good news with my family. It was such a happy time. Lorelei was so excited she was sharing my news with everyone. My sister's were so happy. We of course all cried! I will be pregnant for Katie's wedding (it's a good thing I got a dress 2 sizes bigger).
2 weeks after we first heard the heartbeat, while at school I started spotting. I called my doctor and she had me come in, I left that day with such a sad heart. I remember sitting in my car uncontrollably crying by myself. It was such a blow! The next day in the blur of everything, Chad and I went to the hospital and I had a D&C. I had the worst cramping and was in such pain both physically and emotionally. Came to find out that the baby died probably a few days after we first heard the heartbeat. Since it was at the same size. Yet, I was still feeling sick. I still was really tired and i still felt pregnant. Even the day of the D&C, I threw up in the morning. I thought by removing everything, that I could get back to normal and move on. Yes, I wasn't pregnant anymore and I wasn't feeling sick in the morning. But I really wanted to be pregnant. I want to be pregnant now. But now we have to wait for me to get back to normal. I don't want to wait. I just want to be pregnant. And now here comes the pressure. There was no pressure before, we just went with whatever happened. Now there's pressure from us, from family, from the what happens if this happens again, from all the unknown pregnant woman walking around (why them and not me?)

What made it even worse is that Chad's family didn't we were pregnant. Chad made the call and then we went as planned to the Cape on Memorial Day weekend but with heavy hearts. This was going to be our time to share good news and now it's not.
It was a very difficult visit. I put on a strong front and made it through, while inside I was falling apart. I was angry and sad and bitter and I was tired of the same old story - many people have miscarriages and then have a beautiful family later. I get that...but that's not what I want to hear. I want to hear that you are sorry and that you are their for comfort. I want to not hear that you are disappointed or that everything will be okay in the end. I don't want to be told well at least you got pregnant the first time. I don't want to hear any of it! I just want everyone to see the pain that I'm in and be in it with me and Chad. But I won't let them see it because I'm good at moving on. I'm good at sucking it up and just moving forward. I'm good at putting things in the back and not thinking about them.
Until summer comes and all you have is time to think....

Mom makes me sad. I want her to be able to comfort me. I want her to know whats going on with me. I want her hugs to mean comfort. I want her to know that I had a miscarriage and that I need a mother's support. I want her to be able to listen to me and comfort me. I want her to be my mom, instead of me being her mom.

What a mix of emotions this year at the shore. I just wanted to spend the week crying...i don't know why really. I just always felt the need to push back the tears. Mom is so lost these days. So confused. Yet, there are some times when she is just so on with her comments. And makes you think, okay she is still there.
She wandered off one day. We took our eyes off of her for a minute or two and she was gone. Where was she? How the hell do we start looking for her...where did she go, what do we do....well we did what we do best and that's divide and conquer. We all had a job and we did it. We went in cars, on foot, on bike and went in different directions. The police were called and we found her and she came back. And then we comforted her and continued on with our day. I got upset and got hugs but I wanted more. I wanted to call someone and talk to them, but everyone I would have called was here. Yet, I didn't feel comforted.
I love my family so much. They have been my rock so many times, and i've been theirs. But I have realized that when you are in the same situation together we deal with it they way we were taught. Move on. I'm having a hard time moving on. It hits you in waves and this is my wave.
I have so many regrets on the things I wish I had done with my mom when I had the chance. So many dreams that won't come true now because of her illness. Alzheimer's is so frustrating both in the moment and as a whole. I feel so bad that I got so frustrated with her this past week. I seem to have more patience with my students than with my mom. Why is that? In the grand scheme of things, my mom is just like my students and I think that is the part that makes me so angry. I can handle my students because that is who they are. I can't handle my mom because she wasn't always like this, she is not learning new things she is losing things. She needs help in the bathroom just like my students do, but I am teaching my students how to help. My mom doesn't understand how to help. She doesn't understand what is happening to her and why she needs help. She is just so overwhelmed by the whole situation. I am too. I'm overwhelmed but can't show it because it'll make her more overwhelmed. And even though I know all this, it still is so painful and all I want to do is cry. And the realization still doesn't help with the frustration of it.

I'm so tired of having to explain to people my food allergies and why i have to eat that way. I'm so tired of having to eat salads. I'm so tired of having people not understand why I have to eat salads and why I hate eating salads. I would so love to eat an "fing" omelet but I can't because it is cooked in butter which I can't have, it has cheese in it which I can't have, it's served with bread which I can't have and potatoes which are cooked in oil I can't have. I can have the egg...just the egg...poached or hard boiled.

I made the choice to eat this way, so that I don't have the crippling headaches. And now since I haven't eaten "normal" in months, if I do go back..which I have...I have the worst stomach pains, headaches and indigestion. So basically, I can't go back the way I used to eat because it hurts too much. But I want to eat like everyone else. I don't want to go to a restaurant with a menu full of choices that I can't have. In every restaurant I go to...there is literally only one thing on the menu that I can eat and it is either one salad or steak without any seasonings or hamburger without the bun. When I want steak, I go to the 99. When I want a good salad I go to Chili's. When I want a gluten free pizza without cheese I go to Unos. I can get a hamburger at Ruby Tuesdays with a good salad bar. The only fast food french fries I can have is from Five Guys and then only fast food place I can have a meal at is Wendy's for chili and a plain baked potato.
And I hate more than anything when people say AT LEAST YOU CAN EAT A SALAD! I don't want to go to an fing restaurant and order a salad. I want to order the specials, I want to have dessert, I want to have appetizers. I don't want an FING SALAD!!!

I want to eat want everyone else is eating. When people have pizza, I want pizza, so I will make it myself. Is it the best...no...but it's like everyone else. Can I make just some for me...no. There are never small portions or cheap portions for us. I have to make a large pizza and yes, I will eat it for the week. But I do it because I want to eat like you. I have heard this argument so many times...if I couldn't eat what everyone else is I would eat what I want and be happy...but the problem is I CAN'T EAT WHAT I WANT! THAT'S THE PROBLEM. I WANT TO EAT WHAT YOU ARE HAVING, BUT CAN'T SO HOW DO I MAKE IT SO THAT I CAN HAVE IT!!!! AND WHY CAN'T PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THIS!

There is one thing I learned from these past couple of months. And that is that Chad is amazing. I am a very independent person. And as previously stated I figure out my own problems. I live with the saying, Suck it up and Move on! What I have come to realize is that when I can't move on, when I can't suck it up. Chad is there! Chad has been so supportive in everything! He has very comforting hugs and will give one whenever, even every 10 minutes if asked. While dealing with mom is different for him, he does try his best and is getting so much better at it. I love that about him, he is willing to working with her even though that is so hard. And that even brings tears to my eyes! I know that no matter where life takes us, through the good and the bad, over the hills and through the valleys, that Chad and I will struggle along together!

So here I sit, having poured out my last few months to whomever reads this. It feels good to get everything out... Life will go on. Day by day, life will go on.